Celebrate!

Today is a day to celebrate!

On this day, twenty-three years ago

A daughter was born.

She was a life long dream fulfilled.

A treasure!

A joy!

A reason to celebrate!

Happy Birthday, Jessica!

(I know you read my blog!)

When she was just a little girl,

She was the apple of everyone's eye

Her brother was smitten - 

So thrilled with his sister!

She grew up quickly,

before we knew it, 

she was heading off to college -

"Okay, take the picture, and let me get back to decorating my first apartment."

Friends were getting married . . .

She discovered a love of baking,

Cookies, cakes, chicken enchiladas.

Found that she was really good at it -

Apple pies her speciality!

"I can bake a Thanksgiving apple pie!"

She grew up loving the beach

no matter the weather

Windy, rainy, stormy, clear

Her shoes would come off.

(December 2011- raining, miserable, NO ONE is on the beach!)

This year, as in the past several years, 

We celebrated early,

Distance and schedules in the way

Her birthday choice 2012?

. . . Birthday Backpacking Sleeping Bag!

She's on her own

living her life

making her own choices

building her own dreams -

And never far from her mother's heart.

Have a fantastic day celebrating life

Birthday Girl!

The Labyrinth

I closed the book (Looking for Alaska by John Green) a couple nights ago, but couldn't stop my mind from thinking about what I'd read.  The narrator, a high school boy inaptly named Pudge, muses toward the end, "I thought the way out of the labyrinth was to pretend that it doesn't exist . . . to pretend that I was not lost, but home." He arrives at the conclusion that the only way out of the labyrinth is death; and that "the afterlife" . . .  is something we make up . . . to make our time in the labyrinth bearable."

It's been several days now, and I find myself returning to the last pages of the book, puzzling over why these words (and more, which I'll get to later) won't leave me alone.   I can see the use of a labyrinth as a metaphor for a troubled life.  All that bumping up against immoveable walls, getting caught in seemingly endless round abouts, or dead ends, or simply being lost.

 In the novel, Pudge grapples with the concept of "being" as in a person being more than just matter, more than the sum of the parts (blood, bones, tissue, etc) and at first I thought, well, yeah, of course we are, because we are living, breathing, human beings, energized by life. As energy is only changed, never created and never destroyed, my thoughts turned to:  When a person dies, where does the energy that was within . . . go?


I know the basics of the life cycle, that old ashes to ashes, dust to dust business.  Still, after reading this novel I began thinking deeply about energy transfer itself. (This possibly due to the fact that I am currently gearing up for teaching about energy transfer to my fifth graders.) Bear with me while I tiptoe creepily through my thought processes regarding labyrinth living and death.

My son Chris was a vibrant, charismatic young man, who attracted friends like ants to a picnic. He exuded energy from infancy, into adulthood, was always "up" for any new or exciting adventure.  We used to tease that he fell in love with Shari because he had so much fun playing with her three kids. He was a fun guy to be around, up until a catastrophic event swept him into a spiraling labyrinth of depression he was unable to pull himself out of.  In desperation, and under the influence of alcohol, he took his own life a few days after his 30th birthday.  Bill, one of his best friends from high school, was the cop who arrived first at his home when Shari called 911.  Chris was still breathing, hooked to life support, and rushed to the hospital.

Chris had two well known requests.  He chose to be an organ donor when he got his first licence to drive, and he didn't want to be buried when he died. When it was determined that Chris was brain dead, recipients were found for his viable organs. I choose to believe that his "energy" was transfered via his heart, kidneys, eyes and tissues.

After being "harvested" (kind of an icky term, but appropriate) his body was cremated.  His wife, Shari, and I split his ashes. Over the course of the past six years, we've scattered Chris all over the Pacific Northwest that he loved: along the Columbia, Lewis and Washougal Rivers; at campgrounds; the beach and on hiking trails.  I typically keep a film canister of Chris' ashes in the car with me, just in case I am someplace I think he would like to be.  I have never felt creepy about this practice, or morbid.  The bulk of Chris sits in a Christmas box on my sewing table, not exactly a logical place, but not exactly illogical either.  He loved Christmas and he loved his mom.

Ashes are matter, but, do they have energy?  I find it challenging to wrap my mind around that.  I know that energy can't be destroyed, only changed.  I guess there is potential energy dormant in his ashes, or for that matter, any ashes.  I tried to find information on the web about any "benefits" of ashes but found little regarding human ashes. Probably a good thing.

Finding our way through the labyrinth of life can be a daunting task.  If we think too long about it, it can be scary not knowing what is around the next corner.  I chose to believe that I'm not lost, and to trust that I am where I'm meant to be . . . "home".


labyrinth photo found at:
http://www.hermes-press.com/labyrinth.htm

Positive Perspective

My first thoughts when I woke this morning were a prayer, "Please God, help me see the positive . . . the bright side . . . the cup half full."  There was more, but that was the gest of it.  It was all about me, and my fear of failure.

My day yesterday was a mosaic of positive and negative, like most folks.  I read the paper, ate a healthy breakfast, logged what I ate, and got ready for the 8:15 aqua aerobics class.  I weighed in, and immediately I was in a mad mood.  I'd gained, again.  After tracking every mouthful, exercising daily, doing all I know how to do in my own power, I still didn't lose any weight.  Despite the fact that clothes are slightly less binding, my weight isn't coming off, according to the scale.

When I complained to my husband, he said the scale weighs him different all the time and he doesn't think it's too accurate.  I went back and weighed again, with the identical results.  The best decision I made was to head to the pool anyway and stay for yoga.

This time around in weight loss, my motivation isn't a different pant size, but to save what's left of my knees.  I need to get some weight off to take the pressure off my knees.  I am afraid to be stuck where I am, unable to enjoy life physically the way I have in the past.  A few years ago, I dreamed of revisiting the Grand Canyon and hiking to the bottom and back as I did when I was 20.  I'm not quite ready to give up that dream, though I know if I get there, I'll need hiking poles!

But I digress, a little.  It was painfully brought to my attention recently that I am a Negative Nelly.  You know those cartoons you see, "What's wrong with this picture?" well, I was told I look for what's wrong before I look for what's right.  I wasn't really aware that I did. (Oh, sometimes, sure, but most of the time? I didn't think so!) In fact, I argued with the person who so kindly informed me of this character fault; even pushed a little of the blame toward the bearer of bad news.  Fortunately, we kept talking until I reached the conclusion on my own that this person, who loves me way more than I love myself, was right.

I hate being wrong, as dear reader, you can probably already imagine.  I tried to puzzle my way through, tease out when this negativity took over, but I can't pinpoint it.  Here comes the scary part, I am afraid it's been there a long, long time.  What can I do to change behavior that has been ingrained in me for decades?  That I didn't even recognize?  How could I have been so stupid???  Oops, I think that last question has a teensy bit of a negative ring to it!

OK, deep breath.  Here's a thought.  I will consciously think before I speak today, and make every effort to only allow positive words leave my mouth.  I will pay attention when I begin to feel anxious, or irritated, frustrated . . . as, most likely, these feeling precede negative thinking.  Or, maybe it's the other way around; maybe, just maybe, negative thinking precedes the anxiety, frustration, anger.

One day at a time . . . one hour at a time . . .  one moment at a time . . . my focus will be to keep a positive perspective.

A little Shirley Temple is in order.

I Feel Good . . . I Knew That I Would

Let's hear it for James Brown!  I feel good!


Thanks to my dear and faithful blogging friends, I feel like a new woman!  The past three nights I have made a few changes and I'm back to sleeping mostly through the night.  Amazing what a few hours of uninterrupted sleep with do for a soul.

Here's what I did:

• cut back on time spent on the computer last two hours before bedtime
• took a 3 mg melatonin two hours before bedtime
• drank a cup of chamomile tea about an hour before bedtime

By the time I got to bed, settled in and opened my current bedtime story (The Imperfectionists by Tom Rachman), I lasted about 20  minutes before nodding off.  I took that as a sign and turned off the light!  The first two nights I got up once to use the bathroom, somewhere around 3-4 am (virtual tea party time!), but promptly fell back asleep for an hour or two.  Last night, I didn't even wake up to use the bathroom until 6 am!!!! WOW!

Besides getting my sleep back, I've been getting more exercise.  Friday afternoon as Kailyn and I were taking a walk out by Lacamas Lake, she mentioned that it might be fun to check out the 5:30 pm Zumba class at the gym.  Why not?  Well, I usually use my knees as a "not yet" excuse, but I was feeling kind of chipper, so I said "Sure!  If I can't take it, I can always just go walk the track until the class finishes."

We arrived a few minutes early, and I talked with the instructor about being a newbie, with knee issues.  She said to modify and have fun.  I did.  I modified (that was the easy part, as there was no way my body could do what she was doing!) And, I had a blast!  I don't think I quit grinning the entire hour.  The music saturated me, loud and raucous, and there was a whole lot of shaking and shouting going on in that room!  ( Many of the "regulars" wear these sparkly little tie on skirts and can really make them shimmer!) What a fun way to work up a sweat!  I told Kailyn I want to go back next Friday night!

Just to be safe, I came home and iced the front and back of my knees and legs for a good long while. But, that energizer bunny feeling lasted and on Saturday morning I woke up feeling like Wonder Woman!  I decided to pop over to the Saturday aqua aerobics class (I haven't been regularly for over a year) and give it a whirl.  I soon discovered that I was pretty challenged "in the river" (our pool has a built in "river" with a current that I used to love, but my knees aren't quite up to that yet). So, I hung out in one of the little "pools" and did the exercises along with everyone else and felt I got a pretty good workout.

After the hour of aerobics, there was a 30 minute water yoga class, so I stayed.  I'm still feeling a little sore from the stretching, but it's a good sore.

Whew!  I've had quite a weekend. It could have been very different, as I was not very happy when I weighed myself on Friday morning.  I've been haphazardly attempting to watch what I eat, and doing a fairly decent job of it.  I've been weighing in at home on Friday mornings.  I was excited that after the first three weeks I had lost 7 pounds.  Then I went to a nutrition class and got super serious.  I tracked everything I ate, followed the plan faithfully.  This past Friday morning I had gained 3 pounds!  I was not happy, to say the least.

Fortunately Kailyn brought me back to reality with the comment that I'm still ahead of the loss by 4 pounds, and maybe it was just a fluke, or water retention, or whatever.  I didn't want to listen . . . but I did.  This was on our way to treat ourselves to pedicures.  Somehow, after that, (and maybe a decent night's sleep) I kind of turned my misery around and that's when we went for a walk.  The rest of the weekend was so positive, I'm just not going to dwell on the weight gain. I'm now tracking online at a website I think DJan sent me. It's really neat because it breaks down everything nutritionally and helps me see where I'm missing nutrients, and where I'm overloading. (Thanks DJan!!)

I want to keep this positive attitude, so I'm just going to keep on tracking . . . and exercising! Oh, and keep what's working for my sleeping success! I feel GOOD (da, da, da, da, da, da, da) I KNEW that I would.  Oh yeah!

Thanks to each and every one of you who commented with great ideas for sleeplessness.  I really like the idea of a virtual tea party, but I hope to be sleeping through it!

Tossing and Turning

I've brewed a cup of tea, in hopes the warm chamomile will ease my work weary mind into numbness.  There is nothing disturbing nagging my thoughts, no recent lapses in judgement, or worrisome upcoming decisions.  I am simply wide awake at midnight.  If it was Thursday night, it wouldn't be bothering me as much, as I have Friday off.  Instead, I have a teacher workshop all day tomorrow.  I guess, if I have to be sleepless, it is better to be heading to a district directed work session on teaching reading interventions in a few hours, than facing 27 fifth graders who got more sleep than I did! I don't really have to be "on" tomorrow . . . I just have to be present.

Sleep hasn't come easily to me for quite some time.  I can't remember when I slept through the night without waking up two or three times, and utilizing the facilities at least once.  I'm sort of used to interrupted sleep patterns.  But usually, I've fallen asleep by now.  Tonight (well, now it's last night) I read until about 10:45, and though I wasn't nodding off, it seemed like turning out the light was the right thing to do.

I drifted for awhile, a few songs playing in my head, (don't ask which ones, as I can't remember!) and some random thoughts about blogs I read just before calling it a night. Mostly though, I tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable or fully relax, with my eyes wide open.  I still don't feel tired, even though logic tells me that I certainly should be.  I've been awake since five am, and in less than 4 1/2 hours it will be that time again!

Nikki, my black Lab, was snoozing in the living room when I walked through.  Once she realized I was up for longer than a drink of water, she moseyed into the family room with me, and is now snoring soundly a few feet away.  She has no trouble sleeping, or getting back to sleep when disturbed!

There are a million and one things I could be doing, and at first I toyed with working on a project, but I don't really want to be that awake.  Writing is about all I really want to do, although even that is boring me now, as it probably is boring my readers!

To save us all, I think I'll answer the call of my book and read until I drift off to sleep.

What do my blogging friends do when they can't get to sleep?



PS ~ I want to thank those of you who left such uplifting and supportive comments regarding my last post.  Reading your words of encouragement was heartwarming for both Kailyn and I.  She truly feels she made the right decision. For the next few weeks she will hang out at school with me, and finish sorting and organizing in her bedroom (much needed!).  This weekend, we are going to work on our plans for visiting Europe in June and hopefully book our flights. It helps that she's been there and has some ideas about accommodations and transportation. Kailyn is looking forward to spending her 21st birthday with her sister, Jessica, in Bellingham.  The following weekend she will head back to Central for spring quarter.

Returning to the Nest . . .

My daughter is home to roost, for awhile.  I'm glad she is, although I feel a little selfish to admit it.  She has been my rock and my sanity in the classroom the past two weeks, and the occasional bone of contention at home, although I say that with sincere fondness.  It's just a bit of an adjustment to go from empty nest, to partially full, especially when it was unexpected.

Kailyn should have left at 6 am Tuesday, for another five months in France.  For many legitimate reasons, she made the decision not to go.  It was an agonizing choice.  When she first told me she wasn't sure if she could go back, I didn't really understand.  I knew she had been homesick, and felt very isolated in France.  I knew she was lonely, and had a difficult time finding friends that shared similar interests (sightseeing and traveling versus partying continually).  When she finally did make two good friends, neither of them lived on campus, and both were there only the first semester. She spent many hours alone, walking and sightseeing, and wishing things could be different.  Having always had numerous friends, she was disconcerted to find that building friendships with varying language barriers was so much more difficult than she had expected.  Still, she tried hard to make the best of her situation.

I knew all that, because we skyped a couple times a week, and every time we skyped, I could tell she was sad.  She told me she wasn't sleeping well, and I could tell she was losing weight. I told her to eat more, and read herself to sleep in French. I listened, but I didn't hear. I didn't understand, not really, because I've never been completely alone, "a stranger in a strange land".  And, resourceful and strong willed, and determined as this child is, I expected that she would do as she always has done: tough it out.

Writing about this now makes me cry, as I came so close to wanting to force her to return to a situation that was becoming exceedingly uncomfortable for her.  I kept my opinions to myself mostly and suggested she make a "pros and cons" list and think about her decision, cautioning her that she would have regrets if she didn't go back to France.  That was a little over two weeks ago.  She called and made herself an appointment with a counselor, whom she has seen twice and has future appointments scheduled.  I watched her wrestle daily with her options, and I began to feel fear about her leaving.  I was worried about her health . . . emotionally, physically, mentally. When she finally made the decision to stay home, I'm not sure who was more relieved.  She told me later she was able to sleep for the first time in months.  That broke my heart. Her eagerly anticipated adventure in France had taken a huge toll on her.

These days I see my youngest daughter with new eyes.  I recognize the adult within for the first time.   Watching from the sidelines as she worked through her France experience, tallying the gains and losses, painstakingly making her decision, I came to appreciate the awareness she has gained, and the growth she has made, as an adult.  Without asking for (or allowing) my assistance, she made all phone calls and emails to take care of her final decision, many of which were really hard calls for her to make.  She bravely faced some who challenged her, attempted to make her feel guilty, or wrong, or irresponsible. When she shared an email from the coordinator at her college, it brought tears to my eyes, as he wasn't very nice to her. I gave her a hug and said, "It's a good thing I'm not replying to him!"  Kailyn stood up for herself. She made arrangements for the transport of her remaining belongings back to the US.

The life lessons learned over the last few months have been enormous, overlapping and attaching themselves to Kailyn and I in ways neither of us would have anticipated.  Perhaps, it was the element of the unknown that caused the lessons to worm their way into our consciousness; pry open the hard shell of expectations and assumptions and lay them out, raw and quivering, leaving us both forever changed.

I am the mother of two fiercely independent and uniquely individual daughters, grown up and away from their mother's hovering, anxious wings.  Jessica is soaring into her own wild blue yonder, blazing her own trail, grabbing whatever life has to offer, digesting what comes her way. Kailyn is home for awhile to roost, appreciating the safety and security of the nest she calls "home".  I am discovering that the less I am needed as a mother, the more I feel wanted as a friend.  It's a really nice place to be.

New Year's Day Hike ~ 2012

4:00 AM Phone call

In the erie half light, I glanced at the clock, 4:20. Who would be calling so early? I dragged myself out of bed to stop the the incessant ringing of the phone.

"Good Morning! Due to inclement weather Evergreen Public Schools will be closed . . . "

My groggy mind instantly kicked into wake up mode!  A snow day!  Oh boy!

David asked, "Who was that?"

"Evergreen Public Schools.  That's the first time they've ever called to let us know. It was snowing a little when I went to bed, but I figured it would be gone by now."

David promptly drifted back to sleep, but I laid there, wide awake, and wondering what it was doing outside. Shrugging into my robe, I grabbed my slippers and my camera. I had to go see for myself.

I know.  I agree!  Not much of a snow day in my mind, either!!
The footprints are from last night when my neighbor walked over for a chat.

I walked out and put my toe in the snowy slush, listening to the steady dripping from the eaves.  Once again, my district had made the call too early . . . a two hour late start would have been perfect! Now we will be making up the day, but this snow isn't any fun for the kids to play in, and there isn't enough of it!

For all my blogging friends who get real snow in the winter, I'm sure you're laughing at our piddly dab.  But, you have to see it in context.  We rarely get enough snow to even stick on the ground, so we also have few snowplows, and few folks have traction devices. (Not that we'd need either to get around today!) I guess for the safety of novice snow drivers, the school districts in our area often err on the side of caution.  And to be pitifully honest, many of us get downright giddy with the prospect of any white stuff, likely a left over from the two times during my childhood I remember having enough to actually play in!  

While I slightly resent the idea of giving up a day in June for this, I will look on the bright side and accept this gift of a bonus day at home.  David just left for work, at his regular time of 5:20 AM, so I have a few hours to read, putter and hang out with Nikki by the stove. I may even do something productive . . . but, maybe not!

Thank you to everyone who supportively responded to my recent post about"Losing It".  I've tried to remember to acknowledge your comments when I read latest blogs, but sometimes I forgot!  I always appreciate the love and encouragement I receive from my dear blogging friends.  What a privilege and honor it is to be considered important in your busy lives.

Warmly,

Sandi