Wednesday, July 18, 2012


Why is it that anticipation/anxiety of a particular situation/event often gets me more freaked out than the actual situation/event?  I can work myself up into a pretty good anxiety attack just anticipating something that I think I'm going to dread, or when I'm fearful/worried about one of my loved one's safety.

Case in point ~ yesterday, Jessica phoned me from Honolulu to excitedly proclaim, "I'm back in the States!"  And, while listening to her I breathed a (hopefully inaudible) sigh of relief.  She told me about being in Korea, the good and the not so great, and I was glad I didn't know all of it while I was snug at home.  One thing I didn't realize was that Kayla just had a few days off while Jess was there, so she was on her own much of the time.

Jess had posted about 200 pictures from the zoo in Seoul, but I didn't know until this conversation that she hadn't been with Kayla.  Instead, she had gone and spent the day on her own, had dinner on her own, being one of very few white, single women in sight.  She did not know the language.

This is not a girl who prior to this summer spent much time alone.  She is gregarious and well liked and has a large group of friends in Bellingham that she hangs out with.  She likes being with people, so I guess that (and a love of all things furry) is what lead her to spend the day at the zoo on her own; at least she was in the midst of lots of people!

She had a long layover in Hawaii, and had hoped to connect with some former church friends that lived there, but it didn't work out.  Instead Jess told her dad (by that time he was home and had taken the phone) that she was going to look for a bus or some sort of transportation out of the airport and to the beach.

Just before I went to bed I texted her to ask if she had gotten to the beach, fully expecting her to text back immediately with a "yep" or "nope".  I heard nothing.  My mom warning bells began clanging, just a little, but clanging just the same.  I went to bed wondering if I will EVER grow out of this unhealthy fear of "what ifs" when I don't hear back from one of the girls.  My imagination soars into overtime and I am fully expecting the phone to ring, telling me she had been run over or mugged (she had her hiking backpack as her suitcase) raped, or murdered.  My mind is a curse.

It didn't help that last night was my first night with my cpap machine.  I had learned all about it, set it up, it was ready to go.  I wasn't!  I wanted to want to use it, but I was anxious (there's that word again) about feeling tethered and claustrophobic about having that mask on my face.  And, I had some serious worrying to do!

So, I put my cell phone close to my bed, got myself ready, drank a bunch of water in anticipation of my mouth getting dry, and decided to take an Ambien, just to help me sleep.  I was pretty sure I'd have a restless night getting used to the machine and worrying about whether my daughter made her flight out of Honolulu.

Imagine my surprise when I slept as near as "like a baby" that I can recall in recent years! I vaguely remember waking up a couple times, but was back asleep before I had time to think about it.  I did wake fully at 4:45 AM, needing to use the bathroom.  I decided to call it a night, removed the mask and got up.  The machine barely bothered me!  I really had no problems!  I think this is a miracle!

I checked for a message from Jess, and there was none.  I was less concerned, as I figured "no news was good news". (maybe restful sleep made a difference??)  So, I followed my usual routine.  I read the paper, said good bye to David at 5:30 when his ride arrived.  (He had a plane to catch also.  I don't worry about him, as his is just a quick "over and back" flight and he'll be home tonight!)

I went to the pool and got home about 7:30, and still no message from Jess.  So, I checked the flight.  It left 8 minutes early and is expected to land in about ten minutes.  I made the reasonable assumption that it wouldn't leave early without my daughter, so I'm feeling pretty great.  Waiting for her phone call that she has landed and I'll hop in the car and go pick her up.  Sometimes it's very convenient to live just a ten minute drive from the airport!

Ten minutes later ~ checked, the flight landed, but I'm still waiting for her phone call.  I think I'll head over . . . maybe her phone is dead??

PS ~ Her phone was practically dead . . . and she did send a message, it just didn't get here!  Jess called about two minutes after I posted and I was already on my way out the door!  We've been busy shopping, going out to lunch and sitting in the car chatting (in the driveway) for the past hour!  Thanks for everyone's concern!


  1. Glad she had a good time in Korea and hope she made it to the beach in Honolulu. I think the Ambien you took before bed helped you to sleep with the mask on. Good thing!

  2. Ok now I"M worried. Let us know if she got in ok please. I'm so glad you got a good night sleep! I hope it continues for you Maybe this will be exactly what you need. Oh did you get my email? Let me know if you didn't. I can call you too if I need to. No biggie. :)

  3. We never quit worrying about our children. No matter how old they are they remain our babies. I am sure you will here from her soon.

    I am so glad The c-pap worked so well for you. It was recommended to me that I use the Biotene moisturizing mouth spray by the pulmonary doctor's office before I put the mask on. I use it at night and it really helps.

  4. I understand those worries. I have always been a worrier when it comes to children. I am over the top on that now. I think when one loses a child, the fear of losing another goes into overdrive. I work on it all the time. I am getting better.

    I am so happy to hear about the c-pap machine working for you. Truly, it is a miracle machine. I'm grateful to have mine because of the restful sleep I now have without drugs as a result of the machine. My doc told me that he would rather have me take a sleep aid and use the c-pap the rest of my life than have me go without it because of the health dangers I had by not using it. Thankfully, I have been able over time to forgo the sleep aids and just use the machine. I hope you continue to sleep well.

  5. I sure hope everything is alright Sandi, you kinda left us hangin' here!! It's a mom's instinct and right to worry about her children no matter how old they are! My son's been married for over ten years has two kids and I still worry about his well being. He still lets me know when they go off someplace too. He better!! So does my oldest daughter, 31. She better!!
    I didn't like hearing that you still hadn't heard from her, she's not mine and I'm worried!! Please let us know.
    I'm glad the CPAP machine worked well for you. After I have my carpal tunnel surgery, if I still can't sleep well, I'm getting checked too. Love Di ♥

  6. I know how you feel Sandi. Being anxious and worrying all the time comes with being a mother.

    I am anxiously awaiting your next post to find out how Jess made out and why she did not call you.

  7. I kind of understood from you P.S. that you and Jess are reunited and doing fine. Let me know if that is NOT the case! I am so glad to hear that the CPAP machine actually did the trick for you last night. This is really great news. And since I have met Jessica myself, I suspect that she can do quite well on her own... our children are usually much more resilient that we give them credit for. :-)

  8. You love your girls. Bad things have happened in your life. The math adds up to worry, unless you can find a way to turn it over to Someone else. I'm so impressed that Jess has turned into a capable world traveler. Your girls are so amazing - both of them. And you and David have given them the foundation upon which that amazement has grown.

    I wonder how much your life will change when you're sleeping well on a regular basis.

  9. Dear Sandi, I was so relieved to find at the end of your posting that all was well. As Deb says in her comment, you are a wonderful mother and your two daughters seem to be fearless. That says so much about the way you raised them. Peace.


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