Friday, July 15, 2011
I Don't Want To!
I've been awake since 5:30, forced myself to do the required "laying down" exercises, had a pot of tea, read the paper, written in my journal, updated my exercise "log" adding the new ones I've been given this week.
I ache, bone deep it feels like, but the whole entire knee area aches. I broke down and took a pain pill an hour and a half ago, and finished more of the "new routine", but I am putting off getting on the stationary bike. I don't want to- I really, really don't want to. I know it's gonna hurt, so I also took two Tylenol (my only other option for pain) as despite the pain medication taking the edge off, it wasn't enough for me to want to get on the bike.
This morning I wrote in my journal about how hard I'm fighting depression these days. I really just wish I could go back to bed and sleep through the next few weeks. I know I've said that before, but I really mean it. I hate how weak I feel; and how weak I truly am. Yesterday I had my yearly mammogram appointment. I'm one of those people who don't mind going for a mammogram. I was fortunate that a mammogram found my cancer in early stages seven years ago, and I am a believer. I'd actually forgotten about that summer from hell . . . with three surgeries in attempts to get clear margins, and seven weeks of radiation. Compared to this summer, it was not such a big deal. But, I do remember it seeming pretty awful at the time.
I decided to just take my cane yesterday, which might on the surface seem brave, but really it's just because using the walker is embarrassing to me! I truly hate the walker! Unfortunately, I'm not that great with a cane. I walk jerkily, and lean heavily, and, despite the fact that it wasn't that long of a walk, I wore myself out. Even the relatively short length of time to stand for the mammogram seemed too long, and by the time I returned home, I was physically exhausted. I read and napped the rest of the afternoon.
Last night again I had achey knee pain and couldn't get comfortable for what seemed like hours. So, I'm on the slow accent of that roller coaster, and let me tell you, it is dragging it's way up the hill. It's hard to see the "possibilities" today, but I also know that until I force myself to get on that darn bike, I won't get to the summit, and I won't reap the rewards of what's on the other side.
So, even though I really don't want to, I"m going to go ride that bike. Now. A picture of the little engine that could just popped into my head. I think I can . . . I think I can . . .