Friday, July 15, 2011

I Don't Want To!

I've been awake since 5:30, forced myself to do the required "laying down" exercises, had a pot of tea, read the paper, written in my journal, updated my exercise "log" adding the new ones I've been given this week.

I ache, bone deep it feels like, but the whole entire knee area aches.  I broke down and took a pain pill an hour and a half ago, and finished more of the "new routine", but I am putting off getting on the stationary bike.  I don't want to- I really, really don't want to.  I know it's gonna hurt, so I also took two Tylenol (my only other option for pain) as despite the pain medication taking the edge off, it wasn't enough for me to want to get on the bike.

This morning I wrote in my journal about how hard I'm fighting depression these days.  I really just wish I could go back to bed and sleep through the next few weeks.  I know I've said that before, but I really mean it.  I hate how weak I feel; and how weak I truly am.  Yesterday I had my yearly mammogram appointment.  I'm one of those people who don't mind going for a mammogram.  I was fortunate that a mammogram found my cancer in early stages seven years ago, and I am a believer.  I'd actually forgotten about that summer from hell . . . with three surgeries in attempts to get clear margins, and seven weeks of radiation.  Compared to this summer, it was not such a big deal. But, I do remember it seeming pretty awful at the time.

I decided to just take my cane yesterday, which might on the surface seem brave, but really it's just because using the walker is embarrassing to me!  I truly hate the walker!  Unfortunately, I'm not that great with a cane.  I walk jerkily, and lean heavily, and, despite the fact that it wasn't that long of a walk, I wore myself out. Even the relatively short length of time to stand for the mammogram seemed too long, and by the time I returned home, I was physically exhausted. I read and napped the rest of the afternoon.

Last night again I had achey knee pain and couldn't get comfortable for what seemed like hours.  So, I'm on the slow accent of that roller coaster, and let me tell you, it is dragging it's way up the hill.  It's hard to see the "possibilities" today, but I also know that until I force myself to get on that darn bike, I won't get to the summit, and I won't reap the rewards of what's on the other side.

So, even though I really don't want to, I"m going to go ride that bike. Now.  A picture of the little engine that could just popped into my head.  I think I can . . . I think I can . . .


  1. I'd forgotten about that summer, too. Yikes, Sandi!

    I know you can. I know you can. I know you will.

    And any time you need a new ear to vent into, I'm here.

  2. Hello Sandi, I'm your latest follower and I came over from the lovely Deb Shuka's suggestion on Catbird Scout. I have been following Deb for over a year and just love her writings and so was happy to come over and then amazed that you and I also share major things in common, such as being breast cancer thrivers! I wish you fast healing and the will power to exercise as that, more than most things I find, chases the blues away for me. I look forward to getting to know you better.

  3. Yep, Sandi, I'm over here, too, from Deb. I read a few of your posts, and looked at your extremely thin profile page, hoping to know more about you, but I guess I'll have to devote myself to going back and reading more of your posts to find more details. I know you had knee surgery and Deb helped you set up this blog, and from what I've read, you express yourself really well.

  4. Keep going with that determination! Looking forward to becoming part of your cheer squad.

  5. Hi! I came over from Catbird Scout too. I think you are a really good writer and I'll follow along your journey. I work in surgery and do many total knees....then the patient heads off to recovery and I never see them again. So reading your side of surgery is interesting. I'm sorry you are in so much pain. That's the part I wish I could take away! The PT is soooo important to the success of your replacement. I know you'll get over this hurdle so don't get too discouraged. I work with 3 nurses who've had total knee replacement..2 had both done at once..and they are back and working and you'd never know they had anything done. So hang in there and it will get better! And take a pain pill if you need medals are ever handed out for the least amount taken after an operation!

  6. Thanks to Catbird Scout I've found a new friend. I too have been thru some rough patches in the last year going thru things that made me depressed and wanting to go to bed and cover my head. BUT if you bite the bullet and do what you are supposed to, the time will pass quicker and you'll soon be well again. I've heard the surgery you had is one of the worst so imagine when you've come through - I have faith that you will - you'll be a hero. mine anyway.
    Take care of you. So often we don't since we are nurturers. Nurture yourself for a while. Take help from who ever is willing to give it. And do some fun things just for you.
    As for the walker, my husband is balking at using his which is much needed right now. It will make an amazing difference in how your knee feels. So swallow that vanity and use the walker. It's temporary!!!
    Blessings. Barb

  7. Hello Sandi!

    Such great advice and encouragement has already been offered by everyone else, so I'll keep my piece short and sweet...

    WE KNOW YOU CAN!!! Never forget...this, too, will pass :)

    Lovely to meet you, thanks to your dear friend, Deb...and I look forward to following you from now on.

    Des xo

  8. Hi Sandi,
    I'm stopping by from Catbird Scout too. Good luck with your recovery. I KNOW YOU CAN! Keep up the hard work. You will be up and ready to tackle the world before you know it.

  9. Hi Sandi,
    I also came over from Catbird Scout. Welcome to the world of blogging. I think you will enjoy it. You certainly have a great mentor.

    My husband has had both knees replaced and a hip. These are rough surgeries. The worst part is the therapy afterwards. I also think that depression is quite common after such a major surgery. Hang in there. Getting on that bike and pushing through the pain is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. It will give you range of motion back and then you life back. I'm pulling for you.

  10. Deb sent us in armies here. I wish you a quick recovery and the strength to get over this difficult period. Take care!

  11. Hi Sandi - I KNOW you can! Just take one minute at a time - tomorrow will come and eventually I bet the todays will be better. Visiting from Deb.


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