At the moment, I’m reveling in a few short hours of alone time. It’s so rare, to get a few moments, or hours, to myself. But, David’s at his bee meeting, and I still have an hour before he should be home.
The first hour after he left I spent alternating between short eating frenzies and doing a load of laundry and vacuuming up the black dog hair that accumulates overnight. It wasn’t until I was on my third (or maybe fourth . . . I wasn’t counting!) burst of chomping that I remembered something I read in a book lately about compulsive eating. As I was literally forcing myself to finish the last few bites of a Costco muffin, which I haven’t even been tempted to eat for probably two years, I thought about why the heck I was eating it in the first place. It certainly wasn’t due to hunger. It was mostly due to the fact that I was all alone. It’s sad when I can’t be trusted with myself, as I always head for some type of food that I consider exceedingly unhealthy. And the scary thing is that I’ve done that as long as I can remember, even when I was a little kid, and had no weight issues at all.
According to the book, we compulsive eaters eat to hide from something that we don’t want to face. There could be any number of things I don’t want to face, but the most terrifying one these days is my upcoming knee surgery. I was almost to the point I was looking forward to it, as I am so blinking tired of the achiness that wakes me every blooming night, not to mention the pain when I stand, or descend steep stairs. But, then I went to my “knee class” on Tuesday evening and it scared the bejeebers out of me. I hadn’t known all the gory details before, and now I realize I’m looking at serious, cut me open and saw on my bones, surgery. Suddenly, I’m not so sure I’m in enough pain to warrant going under the knife.
I only agreed to the surgery originally because I was under the impression that having it done now, before the knees get any worse, would be less invasive and I’d be getting a “resurfacing” of the knee joint and cap, not an all out full replacement. That, plus the fact that when I checked on insurance, I discovered that it would be covered completely, due to being double covered at the moment. So, I thought, why not just get it done this summer and get on with life.
Unfortunately, the class I attended was a general one for people getting total knee and hip replacements, and the presenter didn’t know much about the type of surgery I am scheduled for. And, it didn’t help that most of the people there were much older than I am. And, they all had their “coach” with them, and I didn’t even know I needed a coach! After all, I’m not having a baby!
The presenter passed around some scary looking gigantic metal knees, and talking about needing a walker for a few weeks, and sporting a 10 – 12 inch scar, and a “dressing kit” (all these cute little devices to help you get yourself presentable each day, a “sock helper” among them). I was thinking, well, I don’t need a sock helper, as I sure as heck won’t be wearing any socks in the summer . . . until he showed us the lovely sock he was talking about, called “TEDS”, an anti-embolism stocking that I would be wearing . . . all the way up over my knee, for six stinking weeks! 24/7 . . . I was ready to make a run for it, literally! He hadn’t even got to the part about needing shots for a few weeks to prevent blood clots.
I was so freaked out that I emailed Leah, my doctor’s scheduling nurse, the next morning, who is not only used to me by now but also responds quickly, bless her heart. She made me an appointment to sit down and chat with him again about the procedure and hopefully, I’ll be more relaxed about the whole thing. Because, deep down, I think I should do it. But, I still don’t want to.
The good thing about spending the last hour writing is that I haven’t been eating! Hm-m-m. Perhaps I should write more, and maybe I’d eat less. It’s possible.