I saw something in one of the daily devotionals I read once in awhile, and I wrote it down. But, I was in the middle of reading the newspaper, so I wrote on an advertisement, so of course I don't know where it is now. It was something like, "Am I being the person God put me on this earth to be?"
I've thought about that question, or some form of that question, every day since I saw it. And I keep sending these little prayers up to God, "Who do you want me to be Lord? Am I being that person? Am I doing what you want me to do?"
I like to think I'm living the life God planned for me, but, what do I know, really? It's easy to convince myself that what I'm doing at the time surely must be God's will for my life, as He hasn't thrown a big ole pipe wrench in the works lately. And, even if He does, that's no reason to doubt the path I'm on, as there have been many such wrenches thrown my direction, and while I may be bruised and slowed down, I do keep on keeping on. But . . .
Part of this all came about earlier in January revolving around the idea of getting healthy so I can have the energy to do the work God has in mind for me. Well, I love the idea of being healthy, and I'm pretty healthy, but I'm also not at a healthy weight. I have a serious chocolate and salt addiction that really messes with my getting healthy. Lately I have to drag myself out of the house to go to the pool for exercise, something I used to love.
So, am I rebelling against God's plan for my life by refusing to stop pigging out of chocolate and triscuits? Maybe. Is it slowing me down from performing my role to the best of my ability? Probably. Do I hear those mint M & M's calling me from the candy dish next to my husband's chair? You betcha. And am I waiting for him to go off to bed and sneak into the dish? Most definitely.
The big things are no problem for me. I truly believe I was called to be a wife, mother, friend, and teacher. I really love my job, the teaching part. I love being married to the same guy for what seems like forever, and my daughters are what make my life worth living. I love and appreciate my friends, and hope that I am giving them what they need and want from me.
But, I'm not so sure about how critical my addiction to chocolate is to thwarting my being the person God plans for me to be. God love me unconditionally, according to what I've been told, so doesn't he just accept me as I am, fluffy and all? Does my size affect my ability to be the person God planned for me to be?
This is a huge question for me, with no easy answers. Part of the time I try to tell myself to just let go and just be me, whatever that is, and however big that is. But, I really don't like being so fluffy. It gets in the way of tying my shoes. It gets in the way of hiking, which is my one all time forever favorite thing to do.
The thing is, I hate dieting, with a passion. And while I can be very successful when I set my mind to it, I really hate the whole process and as soon as I quit, I just start eating chocolate and triscuits again. Which is where I am right now. I'm paying for Weight Watchers, but I rarely go. I'm really rebelling against "dieting" yet I'm wise enough to know that I'm not going to thin down without cutting down.
So, it all leads back, randomly, to the question, "Am I being the person God put me on this earth to be?" Physically, emotionally, spiritually, professionally, personally, creatively . . . I really don't know. I don't know if I'm ever going to know. I'm going to have to think about this some more. I'm going to try really hard to stay out of the candy dish tonight though.