Wednesday, November 10, 2010

What I Am Doing at Four AM

I can't sleep! It is distressing when I can't seem to sleep.  I am so wide awake at 4:00 AM, and have been over an hour.  So, I fiddle around on the computer looking for a format for the "Where I Am From" poem, and discover a "fill in the blank" I Am format. My 4 AM efforts are honest, not very interesting, but who I am at the moment!

I Am

I am sleepy, but awake
I wonder why I am not snuggled in bed
I hear the leaves falling
I see ghostly shapes in the backyard
I want to be sleeping
I am sleepy, but awake

I pretend I am ok with this
I feel like I should be resting
I touch my keyboard
I worry that I will be really tired later
I cry when I think of other sleepless nights
I am sleepy, but awake

I understand that rest is important
I say to my students, "Get enough sleep!"
I dream that I will sleep through til morning
I try drinking sleepytime tea with honey
I hope I will sleep better tonight
I am sleepy, but awake!

Originally, I got up to let Nikki out, as she was milling around in the bedroom, acting restless.  I was awake anyway, and thought I'd just wait til she wants back in.  But, I've checked twice and she must be having trouble getting sleepy again, too, as she hasn't appeared yet at the back door to tell me she's ready.

Earlier, I remembered getting the phone call about my son, Chris, at around 3:00 AM.  It seems most nights that I'm not sleeping, I am remembering him.  Perhaps it's just that between times, between going to bed and time to get up, is a time when thoughts weigh heavy and sleep evades. Memories of that night are another story, not now.

Sometimes I think that maybe I just don't need as much sleep as I used to, especially since I secretly love being awake and alone in the early moments before the day becomes official.  Then I think about facing a room full of students in a few hours, and think, uhm, I should be sleeping and fortifying myself for the challenges ahead!

I'm not sure sleeping now will be much help, but I'm going to go try . . .

1 comment:

  1. I love the poem, Sandi, and can so relate to the feelings here. I still wake up often - most nights even - well before what might be considered a human hour. It does help reduce the stress of it knowing I don't have to be on for 20-some kids the next morning. So maybe that's your answer. :-)

    How are you? I miss our e-mails.


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