Yet, it doesn't go much further than thinking on the topic at hand, into actual movement toward the change in behavior. Eating less, exercising more, following through on improvement plans, being more organized, keeping up with laundry . . . these are regular situations where I know I need to do something, but am easily swayed into taking the path of least resistance, as in, ignore it and maybe it will go away. Right, like that's going to happen!
So, most everyone reading my blog has been living vicariously through my partial knee replacement recovery since late June. But, I was determined to recover, and did everything I was supposed to do (not without a substantial amount of whining, I know) and I found myself gleefully recovered! I was walking, and sort of hiking, and working, and doing just fine, or so I thought.
The past month, I've been distressed to discover that while my new joint is doing relatively well, I have an entirely new area of discomfort, as in the outside of the same knee, which used to work quite well. It isn't anymore. And I'm alternately angry about it, and frustrated, and, quite honestly, scared. I do not want to go through another knee surgery, yet I've been faced with the thoughts that maybe I should have just had total knee replacement instead of partial.
In my full crazed denial, I fully believed that if I just kept forcing myself to move, walking, hiking, biking, I'd force my new aching part of my knee to improve. And, I was half right. All that movement is a good thing. The problem was pointed out to me by my 22 year old daughter's best friend last Saturday night, who is studying to become a physical therapist, and whose mom is one. I said, "Elisa, come over here and feel this knee. It didn't used to do this." I was referring to the crinkling and crackling that I can feel on the inside and also when I place my hand on the outside part of my knee.
She massaged it for a few minutes, said it was a combination of scar tissue and something else I don't recall. She asked, "How often are you icing?"
I had to sheepishly reply, "Never. I probably haven't iced for a month."
So I proceded to receive a lecture about how I should be icing as long as there is even a little discomfort, and that icing is also preventative, not just for managing pain.
I hate icing. It's cold. I have to sit in one place. I forget to do it. In all honesty, it really didn't seem to help much. But, not doing it isn't helping my recovery either. Rats!
This past week I've been a little better about icing, most of the time. I'm also back to riding the stationary bike for a minimum of 10 minutes before work. So far, I have seen or felt little improvement. I'm still aching all night (both knees now) and more than a little disgruntled about what seems to have been a wasted summer in recovery. And, as I've definitely had worse pain since the ill-fated recent marathon hike, I'm truly regretting not icing after that!
I'm tired of being consumed by aching and fatigue. But, this brings me back to the beginning of this post. I know that part of the reason I'm tired is that I'm hauling around extra weight, some of which I accumulated during the "summer of sitting around".
Every single day this week I have begun with the intention of eating well and exercising. Oh, and icing!
Every single night as I've lain in bed, I've silently lambasted myself for weakness in the presence of food.
I've read about others success in finding happiness with particular dietary changes, and I want that, I really do. But, I'm petrified to begin another plan, and lose weight, as my MO is to simply gain the weight back after a year or so, and be worse off than I was before. I know this about myself. I know I have an addictive nature, and I am scared.
I've been on several plans in the past: Weight Watchers (I've been a "lifetime member" for 23 years, but only been at goal weight about 2 years of that time), Overeater's Anonymous (basically low carb, no sugar, nothing white) lost a considerable amount of weight, and most recently paid a horrendous amount of money for HMR (eat their food with your own fruits and veggies) and a million other spur of the moment attempts. I've been highly successful losing the weight, staying on some plans for well over a year, sometimes two years, but the minute I ate one bite of a forbidden morsel, I began the steady assent to weight gain. Each time I'm at a "new high" where I have to fight my way back, always believing I would "get back on track" but didn't.
I'm scared to try again. The thought of being without my favorite foods makes me angry and resentful. I am frustrated that I have become this fat person, as I wasn't a fat child or young adult.
This morning, I am 21 pounds away from my all time high, and scared I'm not only going to reach it, but surpass it. Three years ago, I lost 54 pounds and felt fantastic, then got sloppy and have gained back 33.
It's no wonder I'm scared!
It's been really hard to admit all this; in fact portions of this post have been percolating for months. I'm appealing to my blogging friends, for any "experience, strength and hope" or advice or even lectures!
HELP ~ I'm trapped in my body and can't get out!