Celebrating March

     It’s a dreary Saturday morning, looking gray and damp, but it is March! March means spring, or at least the beginnings of it, and the hoped for warmth that it brings. It isn’t too warm, but often just right for walking, hiking and enjoying our incredible Pacific Northwest beauty. Thank you, Deb, for your recent post, as it got me ruminating about how much I love March!

     March also gets me thinking about renewal, and I love watching the buds forming on the lilac trees, and waiting for the profusion of yellow when the daffodils burst forth. Already there is a sprinkling of purple lying close to the ground, crocus’s heralding “spring!” Any day now, the yard is going to shimmer and glow with pastel passion.

     My baby, youngest child Kailyn, was born right near the middle of March, and celebrating her birthday is something to look forward to next weekend. As this is finals week, she actually will be home on Wednesday, so we’ll have a couple of days together before we drive up to Bellingham. This year, we will also celebrate Jessica’s college graduation on Kailyn’s birthday! A double celebration in March!

     And I love Easter, which doesn’t always fall in March, but regardless, brings me such joyful memories of matching Easter dresses I’ve sewn for the girls, filling Easter baskets, dyeing eggs, and precious family times with my grandparents, siblings and cousins. It isn’t the same anymore, as now it’s just David and I on Easter, but the memories are warm, and the celebration is just as meaningful to me, symbolically and spiritually.

     Just thinking about the Ides of March hold life changing meaning for me, some wrapped in deep sadness such as the death of my third mom on March 15. Watching her slowly waste away to a twig of a woman due to complications of Alzheimer's brought about an unexpected depression for me that lasted too many years. While she wasn’t my “real” mom (who had died when I was nine) she had been my mom for 35 years, and had taught me what unconditional love really means through her patient acceptance of my rebellious teenager self. While my daughters don’t remember her, I remember her coming over every morning, and staying all day, each time I gave birth, due to spinal headaches that lasted for a week. She cared for her granddaughters, and cared for me, as only moms know how to do.

     March also reminds me of mom’s incredible green thumb, and when the snowball tree blooms, I remember when she gave me the cutting that I never thought would grow, and it’s easily 15 feet tall and loaded each year, mom’s way of telling me, “Trust me, I know these things!” My yard is full of plants that came from her, and I recall coming home from her house with armfuls of blooms, beginning in March each year.

     March 15 is also etched in my memory for another reason. It is the day I decided, one day at a time, that I would be sober. It took me nearly twenty years to figure out that I wasn’t a successful social drinker, but when I did, I never looked back. It doesn’t seem like nearly a quarter of a century ago, but maybe that’s because I remember most of this last twenty-four years, versus the twenty years of fog that preceded it! What I received with sobriety is more than I ever hoped or dreamed for.  I found David, and was blessed with my incredible daughters, Kailyn and Jessica.  I realized dreams I never expected, and the value of those gifts is immeasurable.  How could I not love March!

     It's still Saturday morning, and it's still looking grey out, but it's March!

March

Days lengthening

Breezes warming

Earth breathing

Trees budding

Flowers growing

Life renewing

Hope blooming

March

Surprise Snow Day!

It’s snowing!  When I woke up just before 5 am, I could see a bit more lightness in the room, and quickly hopped out of bed to check the backyard.  It was transformed into a fairyland, with the old lilac tree glistening white and the deck covered in a couple inches of snow.  As I write, with curtains open and a fire burning, I watch snow lightly falling in the glow of the street light. One car has driven by, slowly, with no apparent distress.  My husband sits in the other room, watching the news and reading the paper, repeatedly calling his work number, hoping for a snow day, too.

It promises to be a perfect snow day, with light snow predicted throughout the day.  I’m thrilled for my students, as they have desperately wanted this to happen, especially as it was snowing when they left yesterday, then stopped within a few minutes.  What a tease! All kids and the young at heart appreciate a bonus day; the opportunity to build snowmen and snow angels, and maybe not think too hard about school and work.

I am giddy with the thought that I have an entire day stretching ahead of me to putter around the house, maybe finish a quilt top I’ve put away due to “no time”, or the final touches on a dress I’m making.  Even the thought of working on taxes doesn’t seem daunting, on a day that is “extra” and gently unfurling before me, though I’ll probably save those for the weekend!

My husband has left to attempt the drive to work . . . no snow day for him . . . yet.  As his employer usually errs on the side of safety, should the snow keep up, I wouldn’t be surprised if he returns earlier than usual this afternoon. 

So, without further lollygagging, I am anxious to get started on this gift day of time.  Sitting and watching the snow, and now the increased traffic on the road, is ok for a time, but my body wants to move, to be productive in ways that are fun for me, and I am looking forward to a thrilling day spent with myself, enjoying activities I love.

Hurrah for this late February Snow Day!

Miracles

Many years ago, I gave up on the notion that I would have a daughter. I had a son, whom I cherished, and two stepsons, and it was enough, almost. I yearned for a daughter though; deep inside I wanted a daughter with a wishing and a wanting that never quite went away. Yet, over time I gave it up, mostly. As I passed my 36th birthday, I discussed with my doctor taking care of my reproductive ability, as I felt too old to bring another child into this world, anyway. Instigating that conversation, I seriously gave up the daughter dream.

Then, a funny thing happened one morning. I ended up calling and cancelling the procedure, as my spring break plans had changed and I was going to be doing something else. I met David, and amazingly, a year later I was married again, to a man who really wanted to be a Daddy. Even more amazingly, I discovered I was pregnant! I was going to have a baby at the age of 38! Was I crazy? I was ecstatic.

That baby girl was born 22 years ago today. And while there have been times when she was chagrined to have such ancient parents, I’ve rarely felt that I was too old to be her mom.

As I remember that incredible day of her birth, I remember the indescribable joy I felt when I first held the precious miracle of my daughter. She changed me. I’m not the same person as I was before her birth. Having a daughter softened me, drenched me in the age-old mother/daughter alliance that I had been missing for 30 years since my own mom’s death.

When Jess was less than a week old, I remember sitting on the bed, cradling her in my arms and sobbing as I prayed for her to be able to keep her mom. I had already been journaling her entrance into this world; from the moment I knew she was coming. I prayed to be the best mother I could be for her, to love her and teach her and guide her and to be here for her. Losing my mom at age nine was the ultimate abandonment, and I prayed hard that she would not experience that loss.

I’m sure I was praying for me, too. That I would have the opportunity to mother my children into old age, as I intuitively know my own mom would have wished and prayed for, and perhaps did, before she suddenly was no more.

Through mothering my daughters, (Kailyn was miracle number two!) I have reveled in doing all the things I wished I had done with my mom. I dressed them in clothing I created just for them, showered them with tea parties, and hand sewn doll wardrobes, with matching dresses. I read to them daily, sometimes for hours at a time. I gave them everything I had in my power to give them, including my absolute belief in God, and the opportunity to learn of His goodness, mercy and love. I prayed with them and for them, without ceasing.

Today Jessica is 22, and she is a remarkable person. Her personal faith is strong. Her work ethic is rock solid. She is my pride and joy. She is everything I hoped for her to be, and more. I sit here this morning, blessed beyond my wildest expectations by the miracle of her life. God answered my prayers as he usually does, giving me more than I dreamed.

Last Thursday, Jess arrived home about 7 PM. We immediately drove off to Fabric Depot, so she could choose a pattern and fabric for the dress I would make her for her birthday. Then, Friday, Jess and I spent in my sewing room. As I sewed, she brought down my journals from the shelf, one at a time, and began to read. I felt a tad bit of fear and trepidation, as no one (including me) had read them since they were written, and I wasn’t sure how my writing would be taken, as I’m a pretty honest writer. She read aloud at times, and we laughed, and sometimes I cried a bit, remembering again some difficulty I’d forgotten. But, I treasured that day, and the miracle of sharing her life with Jess, through my stories from years past.

Miracles! I thank God for miracles. I thank God for you, Jessica. I miss that I’m not with you (for the fourth year in a row) on your special day, but I’m sending you a Happy Birthday hug!

Whose Plan is it?

I saw something in one of the daily devotionals I read once in awhile, and I wrote it down. But, I was in the middle of reading the newspaper, so I wrote on an advertisement, so of course I don't know where it is now. It was something like, "Am I being the person God put me on this earth to be?"

I've thought about that question, or some form of that question, every day since I saw it. And I keep sending these little prayers up to God, "Who do you want me to be Lord? Am I being that person? Am I doing what you want me to do?"

I like to think I'm living the life God planned for me, but, what do I know, really? It's easy to convince myself that what I'm doing at the time surely must be God's will for my life, as He hasn't thrown a big ole pipe wrench in the works lately. And, even if He does, that's no reason to doubt the path I'm on, as there have been many such wrenches thrown my direction, and while I may be bruised and slowed down, I do keep on keeping on. But . . .

Part of this all came about earlier in January revolving around the idea of getting healthy so I can have the energy to do the work God has in mind for me. Well, I love the idea of being healthy, and I'm pretty healthy, but I'm also not at a healthy weight. I have a serious chocolate and salt addiction that really messes with my getting healthy. Lately I have to drag myself out of the house to go to the pool for exercise, something I used to love.

So, am I rebelling against God's plan for my life by refusing to stop pigging out of chocolate and triscuits? Maybe. Is it slowing me down from performing my role to the best of my ability? Probably. Do I hear those mint M & M's calling me from the candy dish next to my husband's chair? You betcha. And am I waiting for him to go off to bed and sneak into the dish? Most definitely.

The big things are no problem for me. I truly believe I was called to be a wife, mother, friend, and teacher. I really love my job, the teaching part. I love being married to the same guy for what seems like forever, and my daughters are what make my life worth living. I love and appreciate my friends, and hope that I am giving them what they need and want from me.

But, I'm not so sure about how critical my addiction to chocolate is to thwarting my being the person God plans for me to be. God love me unconditionally, according to what I've been told, so doesn't he just accept me as I am, fluffy and all? Does my size affect my ability to be the person God planned for me to be?

This is a huge question for me, with no easy answers. Part of the time I try to tell myself to just let go and just be me, whatever that is, and however big that is. But, I really don't like being so fluffy. It gets in the way of tying my shoes. It gets in the way of hiking, which is my one all time forever favorite thing to do.

The thing is, I hate dieting, with a passion. And while I can be very successful when I set my mind to it, I really hate the whole process and as soon as I quit, I just start eating chocolate and triscuits again. Which is where I am right now. I'm paying for Weight Watchers, but I rarely go. I'm really rebelling against "dieting" yet I'm wise enough to know that I'm not going to thin down without cutting down.

So, it all leads back, randomly, to the question, "Am I being the person God put me on this earth to be?" Physically, emotionally, spiritually, professionally, personally, creatively . . . I really don't know. I don't know if I'm ever going to know. I'm going to have to think about this some more. I'm going to try really hard to stay out of the candy dish tonight though.

Lost and Found

I'm so happy! I found no only my lost earring, but two other "halves" that I thought were lost forever. Turns out I had put them all in my "Christmas" earring box, probably in a flurry of hurry-up-quick dresser clean off just before my birthday party! I'm so excited!

So far this morning, I've also found several items that I have been tucking away, in the idea that I'd eventually have some sort of "grouping" of old toys I've bought or found over the years. I've now created a couple of "waiting for grandchildren" shelves in the family room, filled with all these cute things I just love. I've been collecting child size kitchen items, mostly with red handles, and discovered I have a few duplicates (two child lefse rolling pins and egg beaters; obviously forgot I already had one of those earlier!). I recently got a darling little muffin tin, several cookie cutters and a loaf pan to add to the collection. I already had numerous red handled stirring spoons and such, then found a cute little old bowl that I think was meant to be a custard dish, but has red flowers and trim and the utensils fit perfectly. Then, I dug out a tea set that was my mom's, which has been stored under my wardrobe closet for about 10 years, and set it up. Gosh, it all looks so darn cute! Then I decided to move my toy sewing machine collection onto one of the shelves and it's pretty sweet, too.

It makes me happy (gee, that's twice today!) however, I also got dizzy and decided to stop and just write for joy while my dizziness subsides. Also having another glass of water and a banana, as the facilities are calling me . . .

Just Another Day - Mostly

Ok, I'm kind of getting tired of it all. Woke this morning with my eye crusty, so must continue the antibiotic . . . not a pleasant thought since that means numerous visits to the facilities again today. As I've already made more than I had at this time yesterday, I'm a bit worried.

I want to spend more than 20 minutes outside the bathroom, just a simple request. But, it's looking like a repeat of the past two days, with one exception. Kailyn just called and she's driving home for a quick overnight visit. She's bringing a friend to Vancouver, and will spend the night, then drive them both back. At least there will be some brightness for the day, and maybe, I will be better and we can take a short walk tomorrow. I can only hope!

She had planned to surprise us, then decided she'd better call to be sure we were home. No worries about that! It will be fun to chat at least, maybe watch a movie tonight.

I"ve been thinking a lot about this blogging business. It seems sort of artificial, as in my mind I'm writing to cyberspace, and it is boring to me. So, last night while I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner (I cooked; that's two days in a row!) I thought about the people who may be reading this. I only know of two: my daughter Jessica and my dear friend Deb. So, then I kind of thought about just writing to one of them instead of cyberspace. Maybe it will feel less stilted and foreign. Alas, it will likely get a bit more chaotic, as that is who I am in real time.

Being sick has been good for my ADD. I have been much more focused when puttering, well, sort of. I have completed numerous tasks over the past two days, not big ones, but still, finished them, which is not my norm. I usually have about ten-twenty tasks going on at once, hence the chaos.

I am totally caught up on laundry, a rare experience. I completely cleaned both bathrooms, floor to ceiling, as I was in there anyway! (insert one of those smily faces with the unsure smile) I not only took an antique coffee grinder apart, and cleaned it's parts with steel wool, but I also put it back together! Now, that is amazing! I wanted to actually use it, but it's just too far gone, still a nice antique-y sort of item.

And, the big one, I cleaned off the clutter on my dresser. I suffer from a very bad habit of not replacing my earrings on my holder, but dumping them in a pile in the middle of my dresser . . . not a good thing. This time, I sadly discovered that I am missing one-half of my favorite blue earrings that Kailyn made me years ago. Probably one of the first pairs she made. I'll have to confess, so that hopefully she can replicate it while she is home. I may still find it, but it's doubtful, as I thoroughly searched my drawers, and the floor. (The only time I get on my knees is to search for fallen earrings, my apologies to God, but I know He understands. It hurts something fierce to get on my knees!)

I've also kept up on the general clutter that accumulates in the house. And, cleared out the dreaded dark hole cupboard and the appliance garage and the leftover container drawer. That task took over much of yesterday, and gave me the greatest sense of satisfaction. I love things orderly and findable!

So, despite the fact that I'm homebound one more day, I'm sort of looking forward to what I will manage to accomplish. First on the list will be returning various items to the shelves in the family room, that were cleared at Christmas for the Snow Village houses. Then, I really want to install the new printer! That should keep me busy for the next few hours.

While it is "just another day" it is my day, and I like that!

Staying In

I thought I slept in yesterday! Today I didn't get up until nearly 8! It's been almost an hour, and my day is starting out just like yesterday, how fun is that?

Most of yesterday was spent on the couch, with a few little trips to the bathroom. Since I was there anyway, I did some cleaning, then back to the couch. I found I was dizzy when up too long. It wasn't until the middle of the afternoon that I happened to pick up the information sheet that comes with a prescription and read the side effects for the antibiotic. Well, that was a relief, I guess, as the first two mentioned were what I'd been dealing with all day. At least there was a reason and it wasn't another illness coming on.

Fortunately, the doctor told me to just take the medication until I showed no symptoms, my eye was clear in particular, as she didn't give me more drops. The new view is that over use of antibiotics is detrimental. As this one has some side effects, I will take her at her word! I just checked my eye in the mirror and it's almost clear. Maybe one more day of forced home stay.